Love Thy Self

Ever since I turned 14 years old, I have been in what seems like one long relationship marathon and in all honesty that has taken a heavy toll on me as a person. I mean not just because my life has constantly been in compromise to she who has my heart at the time, it is also because I have never really been in a particularly healthy relationship. It almost feels like I've developed an allergy to what one would call a healthy relationship. Or maybe it's simply a conditioned response to the kind of love I've received throughout my life. Suck it Pavlov! (On some level I blame you for this. Not really... It's my own damned fault if I'm honest.) It's always for the majority of these so called relationships, another guy who swoops in and sweeps "My" love off her feet and then gone. Or it is an, "I like you Matt, but I'm in love with him." kind of deal.

I know how whiny this might sound but it is the honest truth. I mean with 2 exceptions, this is how every one of my romances has ended. No matter how wonderfully things might start off or how much love there seems to be between, the proverbial her and I, there has always been someone who she deems the better man. This along with a self deprecating sense of humor and realistic self image has taken a heavy toll on me, both mentally and emotionally. (Before anyone freaks out, I'm not saying at all that I lack any self confidence but it is just that it can be hard to see the good or greatness in one self when the over arching theme of my romantic life is what it has been.) 

Almost all of my closest have pointed out that maybe I just have been picking the wrong girls all of this time and while that might be the case, i like to think that I have learned from my mistakes. Or at least I have a fairly good bullshit detector. (I don't.) 

Admittedly I've gotten myself in to some relationships where things would start off in messy ways and doing that is a HUGE part of my issue. I've started as the other guy, or been the other guy on multiple occasions. I've also gotten involved with people who were largely emotionally unavailable. I always go into these kinds of situations with the best of intentions and wanting nothing but to be with just that one person. In spite of my good spirits, it always and I mean ALWAYS has blown up in my face. Another issue I've placed myself in is the staying and trying to make things work even after the other person has done something that should just make me say "FUCK YOU SLUT!" (I never call anyone a slut or bitch lightly. I subscribe to the theory that we all NEED to be a slut at some point in our lives. So make of that what you will.) The two good endings to both admittedly sad tales were simple situations where someone got hurt but it was never because anyone was wronged or maliciously mistreated. Also those two relationships are the two where I feel I let the other party down the most. To both of you, I'm very sorry. You know who you are. 

We've all done some pretty crappy things to the people we care for. It is only a matter of time before we do something to hurt someone, no matter how insignificant it may seem or how justified we feel in our actions, I wish that one of the people who hurt me, just one would've given me real answers and not empty apologies because it is what you're supposed to say. And maybe one has, she know who she is too. But in all honesty, she doesn't really know herself either.  I've hurt some people too and I hope the reasons and or justifications and explanations were enough to give them the solace I so desperately feel like I need right now.

I'm aware of how whiny this whole post might sound but I think I need to express this somewhere and somehow. (This is turning out to be a much longer post than originally intended. Sorry.)

Though, during my last relationship, I began a deep and long lasting love with the amazingly popular TV show, "How I Met Your Mother" and it's cast. And watching it as a single person who has been beaten down by his past relationships has been an amazingly enlightening experience. I'm a total Ted. (Admittedly, we've all always known this.)

In a few days, it'll be Friday, Feb. 14... Remember how I said earlier I've been in one relationship marathon since I was 14? I've never been single on a Valentine's day, well there was that one time but we broke up the day before and were still hashing things out then. So yeah, I'm SINGLE THIS TIME! (And yeah I am going to one of those Anti-V day parties. I've always wanted to anyway. My one silver lining here.)

To end this before it gets too long to keep anyone's interest, I'll end with this. Between June of last year and now, I've managed to be left for another,  catch myself rebounding with someone and hurt them, and get hurt by someone who I probably shouldn't have tried to involve myself with anyway. I just know that now I'm trying to do things differently and learn from the mistakes I've made in the past. For once. I hope.

In the comments, please, whoever you are reading this, give me your opinion or input. Do I seem like a person who deserves what I've gotten, am i being too whiny? What's your impression of the person who authored this?

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